LS ‘“Stephen Colbert Just Eviscerated Pete Hegseth — And the Internet Can’t Stop Talking” ‘ LS

Late-Night Hosts Roast Pete Hegseth’s Mandatory Military Meeting and Critiques of ‘Fat Troops’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The late-night comedy circuit wasted no time dissecting Pete Hegseth’s recent, eyebrow-raising address to top U.S. generals at Quantico, Virginia, where he reportedly railed against “fat troops” and proposed sweeping mandates for the military. The story quickly became fodder for the week’s monologues, with Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, Ronny Chieng, and Seth Meyers turning the controversial briefing into a national punchline.

On Tuesday, Stephen Colbert opened The Late Show with his signature blend of sarcasm and political commentary, first framing the night around the looming government shutdown, which would halt numerous essential services and leave many Americans temporarily unemployed. “But not everyone gets to stop working,” Colbert quipped. “Essential workers like air traffic controllers or TSA agents must stay on the job, even if it means working without pay. Perfect for anyone who’s ever said, ‘I just wish this TSA worker groping my junk was also angry.’”

He then pivoted to the more sensational story of the evening: Hegseth’s extraordinary pep talk to generals. Colbert referred to the defense secretary as a “five-star douche,” highlighting the absurdity of the scenario. According to Colbert, Hegseth proclaimed a so-called “liberation day” for America’s warriors, praising those who “kill people and break things for a living” and calling on military leadership to reject progressive initiatives, climate advocacy, and diversity programs.

“I’ll say it: the Democrats have got to turn down the temperature on their violent rhetoric,” Colbert joked, framing Hegseth’s fiery address with his usual satire. Clips from Hegseth’s briefing, including his remarks about eliminating diversity, equity, and inclusion programs, as well as his critique of “dudes in dresses” and “fat troops,” provided rich comedic material. “Gosh, did you hear that, five-star generals? Pete did a swear,” Colbert said, eliciting laughter from the audience.

Hegseth reportedly urged generals to “tell it like it is in plain English” and call out obvious failures, prompting Colbert to sarcastically comment, “Okay, you suck, monkey butt,” lampooning the hyper-masculine, combative tone of the briefing.

Jimmy Kimmel weighed in that evening on ABC, lampooning both the shutdown and Hegseth’s theatrics. “Democrats want Republicans to continue funding the Affordable Care Act, whereas Republicans want to use that money to add crab legs to the omelet station at Mar-a-Lago,” Kimmel quipped, referencing both fiscal and cultural absurdities. He then mocked Hegseth’s mandatory meeting at Quantico, saying, “All the top military leaders were pulled off the frontlines in Portland and Washington, D.C., and summoned to Quantico for a pep talk with Pete.” Kimmel’s deadpan commentary highlighted the surreal nature of Hegseth’s directive.

In addition to mocking his rhetoric, Kimmel noted Hegseth’s focus on the appearance of military personnel. “But this was a no-mercy type of affair,” he said. “Pete said he’d do away with diversity initiatives, guys in dresses, and fat troops. It’s completely unacceptable to see fat admirals and generals leading commands around the country and the world. It’s a bad look.”

Ronny Chieng of The Daily Show offered his own comedic take, emphasizing the absurdity of the military being summoned for a pep talk on fitness and appearance. “Listen, we all do weird things when we’re drunk, okay?” he quipped. “Some of us slide into an ex’s DMs, and some call every U.S. general to a meeting at Quantico.” Chieng played clips of Hegseth’s tirade, focusing on the “bad look” commentary. “That’s what, you called all these generals in for? To tell them they’re fat? Couldn’t you just leave passive-aggressive comments on their Instagram?” he joked.

Seth Meyers, on Late Night, tied Hegseth’s antics to broader political absurdities. Meyers recapped former President Trump’s recent meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, noting Trump’s assertion that he could negotiate peace in Gaza “quickly” despite the ongoing stalemate. “That’s like James Cameron saying ‘Avatar 4 is coming quickly,’” Meyers laughed, highlighting the contrast between hyperbolic claims and reality. He also compared Trump lecturing generals on fitness to the proverbial “pot calling the kettle fat.”

Across the network spectrum, late-night hosts agreed that Hegseth’s Quantico briefing was a surreal blend of authoritarian theatrics and over-the-top commentary. Critics noted his fixation on physical appearance, including banning beards, long hair, and overweight officers, describing it as excessive micromanagement disguised as discipline. Chieng quipped, “Look, I get the military needs to be fit, but in defense of fat generals, they’re like coaches, right? Coaches don’t need to be fit to play the sport; they just need to fit enough to date a 24-year-old.” He even referenced Bill Belichick’s notoriously minimalistic approach, further lampooning the absurdity.

The collective late-night coverage of Hegseth’s actions underscores the tension between politics, military culture, and media satire. What might have been a dry Pentagon press briefing became a viral punchline, illustrating how quickly live commentary can amplify controversy. Social media users echoed the hosts’ humor, creating memes and clips portraying Hegseth’s “mandatory meeting” as a bizarre intervention into military operations.

Ultimately, the coverage has transformed Hegseth’s comments into a cultural moment, one that critiques the intersection of political theater and military authority. By highlighting his focus on physical appearance, elimination of diversity initiatives, and combative rhetoric, late-night comedians have reframed the conversation around governance, discipline, and the absurdity of authoritarian posturing in public service.

As audiences continue to digest the footage and commentary, the episode serves as a reminder of the power of satire to illuminate policy extremes. Hegseth’s Quantico briefing may have been intended as an internal morale speech, but through the lens of late-night comedy, it became a national commentary on political theater, military priorities, and the performative nature of authority in 2025.