Bom.ELON MUSK ANNOUNCES CHARLIE KIRK MURALS IN EVERY TESLA DEALERSHIP: “AMERICA NEEDS MORE INSPIRATION”

In a move that managed to be equal parts surreal, patriotic, and unmistakably Elon, the Tesla CEO has announced that murals of Charlie Kirk — the late conservative activist and founder of Turning Point USA — will soon adorn every Tesla dealership across the United States.

The announcement came during Kirk’s high-profile memorial service, where Musk — dressed in a half-tuxedo, half–SpaceX bomber jacket — took the stage and stunned the crowd with a plan that blended art, politics, and the trademark absurdity that follows him everywhere.

“Charlie was a friend, a fighter, and a man who never once asked me for a free Tesla — which is rare,” Musk said to laughter and applause. “From this day forward, his face, his passion, and his perfectly symmetrical haircut will greet every Tesla buyer in every showroom.”

The first mural design — revealed on a massive LED screen — depicted Kirk heroically pointing toward the horizon, much like a 21st-century George Washington. Instead of crossing the Delaware, however, Kirk is shown crossing a Tesla Supercharger parking lot, the American flag billowing behind him with the slogan:

“Drive Free, Drive Charlie.”

Musk continued, “We’re not just selling cars anymore. We’re selling hope, liberty, and the unshakable conviction that Twitter arguments are more important than legislation.”

Then, in typical Musk fashion, he outlined the rollout plan in “phases”:

• Phase 1: Murals painted by “patriotic freelance artists found on Craigslist.”
• Phase 2: Interactive QR codes that let visitors scan Kirk’s face to hear him debate random college students about socialism.
• Phase 3: Once Tesla expands to Mars, the first colonists will see Kirk’s mural as they step off the shuttle.

“Imagine planting a flag on Mars and having Charlie smiling down on you. That’s real leadership,” Musk said, pausing for dramatic effect as the audience cheered.

Former President Donald Trump immediately called the idea “beautiful, historic, and maybe the best mural plan of all time,” adding that he might propose a “Trump–Kirk split mural — two legends, one dealership.”

Kirk’s widow, Erika Kirk, was moved to tears. “Charlie loved cars — well, SUVs more — but he respected Tesla. He once said, ‘If Elon ever makes a conservative edition, I’ll buy one.’ This tribute makes that dream real. Now, no American will drive off the lot without being blessed by Charlie’s gaze.”

She even hinted at a special-edition “Kirk Model” Tesla, complete with stars-and-stripes seat covers and glove compartments stocked with Turning Point USA pamphlets.

Not everyone was thrilled. Some Tesla fans worried that showrooms might start to resemble “political monuments.” One customer in California posted, “I came to test-drive a Model Y — next thing I know, I’m pledging allegiance to a mural.”

Others, however, embraced the idea enthusiastically. One Florida buyer wrote, “Finally! A dealership where my car comes with 300 miles of range and patriotism!”

Meanwhile, leaked internal memos show Tesla’s sales staff have been given updated talking points to “honor Kirk’s legacy in every sale.” Among the suggested phrases:

“This Model 3 isn’t just efficient. It’s approved by Charlie Kirk, a man who never backed down from a Twitter spat.”

“Think of Autopilot like Charlie debating five liberals while sipping Starbucks.”

The new slogan being tested?
“Tesla: Powered by Electricity, Inspired by Kirk.”

Unsurprisingly, reactions from the media were polarized. MSNBC called the plan “a bizarre fusion of capitalism, cult, and Crayola.” The Washington Post ran a piece titled “Do We Really Need Charlie Kirk Watching Us Buy Cars?”

A New York Times critic lamented, “The line between dealership décor and political shrine has officially collapsed.”

Musk, unfazed, fired back on X (formerly Twitter):

“If you don’t want to see Charlie’s face, don’t buy a Tesla. Buy a bicycle. Or better yet, walk.”

Financial analysts were equally confused. Tesla stock spiked briefly, then dipped after investors realized “mural revenue” wasn’t a real thing. One Wall Street analyst summed it up:

“This is either genius branding or the weirdest corporate midlife crisis in history. Maybe both.”

Still, Musk wasn’t done. He teased plans to bring the murals abroad:
“Imagine Charlie’s face in Berlin, Tokyo, Shanghai. Freedom is contagious. Plus, it’ll confuse the Europeans — which is always fun.”

And for fans of digital collectibles, he promised limited-edition NFTs of the murals. When reminded that NFTs are effectively dead, Musk quipped, “So is socialism — eventually.”

Conservative commentators rushed to praise the announcement. Tucker Carlson said, “We used to hang portraits of presidents in schools. Now, thanks to Elon, we’ll hang Charlie’s face in dealerships. Honestly, I prefer this. It feels more American.”

As chants of “Charlie! Charlie!” filled the memorial hall, Musk smiled and closed with one last line:

“Some people build statues. Others build legacies. I build murals in dealerships. Because what better way to honor a man who fought for freedom than to place his image right next to the finance desk?”

The audience roared with laughter and applause — though one attendee reportedly whispered, “So… when do we actually talk about cars again?”

NOTE: This story is satirical — it’s not real. But in a world where Elon Musk regularly turns jokes into headlines, you could be forgiven for double-checking.